According to John M. Gottman, PH. D, 69% of marriage conflicts can’t be solved! What a staggering and scary statistic. He says, “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.”
He believes that there are two types of marital conflict, perpetual and solvable:
Perpetual conflict is those arguments that cannot be won. It is like convincing a Democrat to be a Republican or vice versa. Types of common conflicts that fall into this category range anywhere from frequency of sex, religion, parenting styles, and household chores. Often these problems can lead to couples being stuck or possibly separated.
How do you know you are stuck? Some signs are making no headway despite always talking about it, or you feel more frustrated after discussing the problem. Another sign is that there is no humor around the subject you keep talking about. This all leads to distancing ourselves emotionally from each other.
The second type of conflict is solvable ones. These may sound better, but according to John Gottman they come with pain too. If a couple doesn’t have the skills to solve the problems, it could lead to too much tension in the relationship.
Whether it is perpetual or solvable conflict, having the right skills could be a difference maker in a relationship. Therapy offers the chance to build skills that can change a relationship and household from a tense one to a fun and enjoyable one. To Gottman one of the most important aspects of a marital relationship is friendship.
Contact Clarity Counseling today to be connected to therapists who can help your marriage to thrive! Let’s change our love stories and our homes together.
Reference GOTTMAN, J. (2023). Seven principles for making marriage work. ORION SPRING.